Escape

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your man's put on weight, it's sad but true.

To get him frat-tastic again, turn to the magical powers of Austin-based Criquet. Women gush all over the website about how the sporty vintage-inspired polo and golf shirts slim their man's bod and, seemingly, add muscle tone. Editors are smitten with the perfect-fit collection too, calling the hip look "old money Texas country club meets Wes Anderson."

The only fattie you want in your house come Valentine's Day is carrying a bow and arrow.