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July 1st, 2015

Rules For My Bikini

Tie one on. Our plea to the two-piece.

Dear Bikini,

Now that summer is here, I think it's time we set some ground rules.

Our relationship is still new - we're in the crush phase. I'm not angry at or resentful of you yet. I mean, we didn't even get together 'til that Memorial Day sale. But if our commitment is gonna last the entire season - from trips to California and Colorado and my passive aggressive sister-in-law's pool - I need you to hold up your end of the bargain. You promised. (Plus you cost a fortune.) So here goes, my list of rules:

1. When I force myself to flip over to even out my tan, surreptitiously glancing down at the book I'm not really reading and won't all summer so I can check that your top parts haven't slipped, I need you to stay in place on the rear side. Are you aware how unflattering it is to my midsection and neck areas to crane to see if you're behaving in back? I'm terrified of someone seeing my blinding-white bits, so I'm counting on you.

2. Lithely climbing out of the pool soaking wet, I have a lot on my mind - arm contouring, appearing to casually grab my towel when I'm panicking inside, my nostrils, and so on. You've got one job: no bubble in my bikini bottom. Because what's the point of pretending to have the confidence of a Perfect 10 if you're gonna add 15 pounds to my backside?

3. You are not permitted to shrink. Even if I get larger, you must grow with me.

Read all the rules in Allison Bagley's latest contribution to The Huffington Post>>

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